hey we should start a joke tread. i'll start.

this may offend some religious people, if it does i apoligize.

Q. why does jesus hate hockey?
A. cuz he was nailed into the boards.

i know i know thats bad

ok heres a cute one. my girlfriends 7 year old little brother told me this one

Q. why is 6 afraid of 7
A. cuz 7, 8(ate), 9


Q. what are the 3 rings of mairriage
A. engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering


Q.why do men snore when they ly on their backs
A. cuz their balls fall over their @sshole and they vapour lock

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to your friends like that....that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again, you're in my closet now."

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating
peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in
his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife
asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the
peanut fell into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in
pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but
after hours of trying they became worried and decided
to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out
the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's
date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved
two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow
hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The
young man insisted that it was nothing and the
daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for
something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and
said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you
think he's going to be when he grows older?" The
father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our
son-in-law!"

Q. what animal should you never play cards with
A. a cheetah

Two eggs are in a frying pan and one says “Man it’s hot in here.” The other one says “Holy sh*t a talking egg!”

Two guys are looking a dog lick its balls and one says “Man, I wish I could do that.” The other guy says, “Really? I think I’d just pet him first.”

Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes ?
A: Peroxide

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt. The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where." The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!" Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!" She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!" She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!" The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You''ve just got a broken index finger."


Q. What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
A. Spot

Q What's worse than having termites in your piano?
A Crabs on your organ

oh, another good one

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

come-on guys and gals, noone has any jokes? put some effort into it guys.


ok, theres a scottsman, a frenchman, and a canadian in a bar talking about their favorite bars back home. the scottsman says "weve got this bar back home where you buy one beer and you get the next one free" the frenchman says "oh, dat nutting, we got dis bar at home, you pay one beer and you get 2 free and you get free horsdeurves" and then the canadian says, " oh thats nuthin, we gots this bar back home in newfoundland where you can go drink all night for free and then go out the back and have all the sex you want!" the other 2 guys say "really? wow, how many times did that happen to you?" the canadian says " well it never happened to me but it happens to me sister every saturday night!"

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th
birthday. She spends
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On
her way home, she stops at a
news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she
says to the clerk, "I
hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you
think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. A
little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks
the counter girl the very same question. The girl
replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope
I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops
in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter
to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk
responds, "Oh, I'd say
30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank
you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old
man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going.
Although, when I
was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a
woman was. It sounds very
forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands
under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you
are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until
curiosity gets the best
of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go
ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins
to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each
breast. He gently
pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together
and rubs them against each
other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
"Okay, okay...How old am
I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts,
removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was
incredible, how could you
tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Famous Last Words

-I'll get a world record for this.
-Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
-It's fireproof.
-He's probably just hibernating.
-I'm making a citizen's arrest.
-So, you're a cannibal.
-It's probably just a rash.
-Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
-The odds of that happening have to be a million-to-one!
-Pull the pin and count to what?
-Which wire was I supposed to cut?
-I wonder where the mother bear is.
-I've seen this done on TV.
-These are the good kind of mushrooms.
-I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
-Funny, you look just like Charles Manson.
-Rat poison only kills rats.
-It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.
-This doesn't taste right.
-I can make this light before it changes.
-Nice doggie.
-I can do that with my eyes closed.
-Well, we've made it this far.
-That's odd.
-Don't be so superstitious!

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, 'Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?' *
'Well,' replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.'

captin mark is on the high seas when an enemy ship is spotted heading directly at his pirate ship. a battle is sure to insue, he turns to his cabin boy and says "fetch me my red coat" the boy runs off and returns with the coat. the battle rages and the pirates win.

after the smoke settles the cabin boy approches the captain. "sir when you saw the enemy why did you request your red coat?"

"simple, if i were to be injured durring the fight i dont want the men to see the blood, that way they will continue to fight with all their might til the end!"
the cabinboy takes this to heart and many years later he is a captian of his own pirate ship

One day the former cabin boy steps out onto the deck of his ship proud and happy. suddenly his first mate runs up to him "captain! we have enemy ships moveing in from the north south east and west!"

without a moment of hesitation the young captin turns to his cabin boy "Fetch me my brown pants!"

i have been told that in some versions of the bible that when Cain killed his brother Able god turned Cain's skin black so all would know his crime... this is the first instance in history (but not the last) where a white guy did a crime, but it was blamed on a black man

a man is screaming, yelling and running around in the street "they're after me!! THEY ARE AFTER ME!!" eventually a concerned woman approches him.

"who's after you?"
the man instanly stops and stares at the lady "its the squirls, they think ive gone nuts"

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'